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And I know it’s…

And I know it’s long gone,
And that magic’s not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I’m not fine at all.

And I know it’s long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to…

Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

I remember it all too well.

– T. Swift

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Tales of a not very special snowflake

Marius, you’re no longer a child
I do not doubt you mean it well
But now there is a higher call.
Who cares about your lonely soul?
We strive toward a larger goal
Our little lives don’t count at all!

Accepting that I am nothing special is a freeing concept.  I am a human being, just like any other, looking for love and meaning in life. I deserve nothing.  I have every opportunity anyone else might.  Ultimately, I don’t matter, there is a higher call, a larger call, that will continue on with or with out me. I can write this post, publish it, and in the ultimate grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that much.  I can live my life anonymously, another face in the crowd.  I mean nothing to anyone here.  That is part of being an adult.

The worst thing that could happen.

I arrive in PA.  No housing is available.  

My hiring paperwork is incomplete.

They decide to cancel the internship last minute.

They decide to keep the internship but someone else will be the intern instead.

I am the intern and I am the worst intern that ever graced the hospital.

I am wearing all the wrong clothes for the internship.

I do the internship and then I don’t have a job in January.  In February.  March.  Or April…

What do I do while I wait for my real life to begin?

The moment I knew I was no longer a child

“You need a professional wardrobe.” Mom said as we sat in my grandparents basement, on the old couches that had always been apart of the decor but had been relegated to the basement for the past ten years. I sunk deeper into the old cushions.

“Professional?” My nose and mouth were raised in a half disgusted look, not the full on “Lorraine Face” that maybe the only sign that I am actually related to my dear grandmother and my dad and friends liked to tease me about, but still showing my dislike of the idea.

“You can’t wear jeans and t-shirts at your internship.”

I sighed, knowing she was right but having never really thought about it before.  Another change. Can I really pull off a professional look?  Find something professional yet functional for getting down and playing with kids all day and possibly getting messy?  And comfortable? And then another sad thought crossed my mind.  One more week of EFY and then I really have to grow up.

My two closest/longest/childhood best friends/cousins Kacie and Chandra got married this summer.  Kacie in June.  Chandra in August.  Many of my friends are celebrating their one or two year wedding anniversaries.  Many of them have babies already. Living the Mormon dream. We’re not even to our fifth high school reunion yet. They all make me feel so young.  I’m not ready to trade my freedom in yet. I would be a terrible wife and mother.  I’m too selfish. I don’t know enough yet.

I got in my first car accident in April.  It wasn’t my fault.  My car was totaled.  I was pretty banged up for a weekend.  I had to deal with insurance and buy a new car while dealing with school, preparing for finals, applying for internships for after graduation, working, preparing to officially move out of my nightmare apartment and figuring out me and Blake.  I felt stressed. I felt overwhelmed. I felt grown up.

I got called up for Jury duty in March.  And I actually got picked.  Despite having excellent excuses like a medical condition and school.  They still picked me.  I spent a week heading downtown to the courthouse and spending my whole day being a good citizen and participating in a fair trial for one of my peers.  He really was one of my peers, about my age, and he had already made some bad choices that had ruined his life.  We found him guilty.  We sent him to prison.  I was a part of that decision.  I felt the weight of the responsibility. Many people older than me had never had that responsibility.  I felt like a grown up.

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Our deepest fea…

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. – Marianne Williamson

Grandpa and Annie

  • Grandpa died in the dead of winter.
  • Annie died in the heat of the summer.
  • Grandpa had been sick for over a year and we knew he would die soon.
  • Annie died suddenly, in an instant.
  • I said goodbye to Grandpa.
  • I never said goodbye to Annie.
  • Grandpa lived a long life.
  • Annie’s life was short.
  • I attended all of Grandpa’s viewings, spoke at his funeral, drove five hours to be with family and missed a week of school when he died.
  • I didn’t get to attend Annie’s funeral, I was across the country at the time.
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You can have your cake and eat it too, I should have known
Cause what good is good anyway
And having it all is just a state of mind
And I, I got no reason to cry

– Kacey Musgraves I Miss You