This move across the country all by myself has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  It’s right up there with EFY. SUU.  My loving parents. Brother. Aunts. Uncles. Cousins.  FRIENDS who have come and gone from my life. A good laugh. Ice cream and chocolate. A good song with a catchy tune, a good beat and a lyric that describes my simply complicated life.  I feel so blessed.

If you had told me I would move to middle of nowhere Pennsylvania on my own for a nonpaying internship five years ago, I would have thought you were crazy.  I would have thought you were crazy two years ago, one year ago, six months ago, for different reasons.  This was not part of my plan but it was a part of the Lords plan.  And it is beautiful.

This distance has been clarifying.  I have had no one to turn to but to the Lord.  My prayers have taken on deeper meaning, my scripture study brings answers I didn’t even know I was looking for. I have more time to ponder, more time in my own thoughts.  

I live simply, wake prepare for the day, go to my internship, soak in my environment and every experience and word of advice that is offered, come home, work on homework, get ready for bed, sleep, and repeat it all the next day.  There is a beauty in the simplicity.  I’m taking better care of myself than I ever have, eating healthy, exercising a little everyday, sleeping 8+ hours a day. And I feel better.  I have more energy and I like myself more.  I’m cleaning up after myself more and am relishing in the peace of a clean home.  I listen to uplifting music at home. 

I am learning who I am on my own.  I’m learning what I want out of life.

I’m comparing myself to everyone I know less.  I’m realizing that I am a beginner.  I am a beginner at my job.  I’m a beginner at being an adult. I’m a beginner at love.  And it’s ok to be a beginner.  Everyone has to start out as a beginner.

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I’ve got my tic…

I’ve got my ticket for the long way round
The one with the prettiest of views
It’s got mountains, it’s got rivers
It’s got sights to make you shiver
But it sure would be prettier with you.

You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.

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And I know it’s…

And I know it’s long gone,
And that magic’s not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I’m not fine at all.

And I know it’s long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to…

Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

I remember it all too well.

– T. Swift

Tales of a not very special snowflake

Marius, you’re no longer a child
I do not doubt you mean it well
But now there is a higher call.
Who cares about your lonely soul?
We strive toward a larger goal
Our little lives don’t count at all!

Accepting that I am nothing special is a freeing concept.  I am a human being, just like any other, looking for love and meaning in life. I deserve nothing.  I have every opportunity anyone else might.  Ultimately, I don’t matter, there is a higher call, a larger call, that will continue on with or with out me. I can write this post, publish it, and in the ultimate grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that much.  I can live my life anonymously, another face in the crowd.  I mean nothing to anyone here.  That is part of being an adult.